dear diary,
i would love to be oblivious to everything that i hear that i feel. perhaps i would not be so miserable after all. when self realisation hits upon me. i do not try to pity myself. i actually pity the other person. perhaps i'm numbed. all the time being misunderstood. even my feelings are vague now. now now. i'm not upset. dont come trying to cheer me up. i'm not even pessimistic. but i am actually speaking the truth. perhaps my feelings and concerns are always very little or not obvious. whats the point of letting the other person know what you are trying to do over here. u spend the whole day whole week whole month calling other ppl for help in trying to make the person happy. u try giving the person as much as ur limits are able to do it. just that the person will never know what is going on over here. and all the time he thinks u do not put any effort at all. i was never a person to announce my feelings loudly like i could say " i did all these bcos i want to make you happy and i do this n this n this" no... i would actually do it without even saying a word... i would actually make a surprise to be a real surprise. rather than making the person feel as if i gone thru a lot of trouble. i'm just not that kind of person. and to me, would my actions be geniune and sincere? all i want is for the person to be happy with what i have done. no need to further explain the troubles that i gone thru to make it happen. but sad to say, i am not a person to put in much effort too. maybe i am just pure lazy.or perhaps i'm starting to feel unappreciated. but on the other hand, i am being blame for taking ppl for granted. wtf. how should i feel. i cant feel unappreciated. i should feel honoured. i should feel blessed. i am in happiness and you are suffering to make me happy. right? you are the greatest. i am the lowest. i can never reached that level. so i shouldnt complain. if not i am selfish. you treat me tooooo good, but i never really treat you good at all. is it abt this? it doesnt matter even if ppl dont really know the least bit of my feelings.but even you not realising what is going on totally oblivious to what i have said of my insecurities and pressure over n over again i;ve repeated to you. then you start to push me over the edge.u tell me i dont need to change but ur words prove otherwise. should i be compel to change to what you want me to. am i not doing enough? i am tired. i'm always not doing enough. i'm always crazy. bravo! i contribute nothing to this whole relationship! yeap thats me! the selfish one. the one who takes all and refuse to contribute the slightest. your the poor thing. i got to start enjoying life. but you slogging away making me feel like a princess.
perhaps i do not even need such attention. becos is torturing and degrading my worth. and i wish my self worth can only be determine by myself and not others.
yours truly. me